Time usually matters when you spend on a person who matters. Thoughts turn into something real once,3am conversations become 3am thoughts.
About how you aspire to acquire another human in your life,who will be your 3am thoughts. Your 6am morning text,it would be cool if they were your 11:11pm wish. That way you can have your way with them,like in 3am in the middle of the summer. Doing things under the covers,which only make sense past 3am.
I know what it means to be spread on your bed slipping in and out of your drunk when the idea that you are not the only one bombards you like a bulletin and then you’ll remember to be sober for the moment.
You won’t react or slingshot to conclusions and you will respond to whatever he says to you like nothing ever happened because that is what it means to grow attached. Like embroidery, you will maintain every fine detail of your smile and laugh your way through your uneasy and you will lay it on his lap in hopes that it will eventually sink in that he happens to be a scumbag.
In the early hours of the morning when you are most alert, you will rehearse the news over and over again. Her name will make you feel as though you should’ve known better but the morning grows closer and you will need to entertain your narrative for however long this is intended to last. The only rule is to disprove any hope that you are the reason he woke up smiling.
Settling through the routine of home and learning and home again because for once in your life you have dedicated yourself to the idea that loyalty could’ve lived here, you imagine that he is somewhere in between his play time letting his hands find home on the small of her back. You will question whether her qualities are more striking than yours or whether she owns enough charm or wit or holds bomb conversations. Maybe she is just better packaged and more aesthetically pleasing to stand next to.
In any case, she must been his favorite color or song to listen to on repeat. She must make nostalgia such a blissful process when he longs for her hours after they part. And you, you need to remember that you are merely his just in case.
(can’t remember when)
I’ve actually gotten to the point where I have NO remorse, no apologies, about how I feel.
You ever felt bad or guilty about your own feeling?
Have you ever felt like your feelings had to be justified for them to be valid?
Welp, not anymore. And I love it.
This is who I am & this is how I feel; this is fact, that you have no choice but to accept. (I’m not asking permission to feel what I feel anymore)